Do you find that you are frequently setting goals, but getting distracted and off-task? Do you tend to get caught up in spending too much time on the internet, FB, TV and are not getting your goals accomplished?  Do you then become hard on yourself and put yourself down?  If so, you are not alone. In our attention-starved world, it is easier than ever to get derailed from our goals.  However, I actually think that starting and stopping with any goal is  normal and that there is actually nothing wrong with us for doing this. This IS the normal process for growth and change.  The key is just to get back on track as soon as possible.  This can apply to a diet, a paper for school, exercise, your novel, or whatever goal you set.  Here are some strategies I like based upon the research data I have read.

1. Spend 10 minutes a day and 30 minutes or so a week to get organized; use this time to make and review a list of top priorities for the day/week.   Review your list before you start your day or as soon as possible during the day, so you do not waste too much time on the less important priorities.

2. Procrastination or avoidance of certain tasks is usually about perfectionism.  We avoid tasks that make us feel anxious and that we worry about not doing well, so we allow ourselves to get distracted by e-mail, phone calls, etc, because in the moment it makes us feel better.  Of course, in the long run, we feel worse because we have not made the progress that we wanted.  Try to identify hidden fears or anxieties that may lead you do avoid getting your work done.  For example, if you are afraid of failure, not completing a task can be a way to avoid failing (because you haven’t tried really).

3.  Practice mindfulness and bringing your awareness back to the moment.  This means noticing your distracted thoughts (the phone call you just had from your daughter or the work crisis).  Notice that you have gotten off task and gently bring your attention back to task at hand.  Remind yourself that you can return to thinking about the other issue later.

4. View getting off task as normal.  People often think that being off task means that they are screwing up or not committed.  I believe that starting and stopping (any habit or behavior) is normal.  We need to learn how to get back on track whenever we find that we are distracted, rather than engage in self-blame and self-criticism, which just derails us from achieving our goals.  Another thing that derails people is negative thoughts such as, “I’ll never get this done” because of having gotten caught up in something else. Use mindfulness with no judgment of  yourself for having gotten distracted.

5.  Make the work-reward cycle a habit.  Set work up increments and allow checking e-mail, Facebook or returning the phone call to be a pleasant break after getting a chunk of work accomplished. Practice this regularly.  Do a small amount of work and take a 10-minute break to do something you like; this teaches you that you can get work done.  You won’t feel guilty when spending the 10 minutes rewarding yourself (reading an article in a magazine for example) and it makes it easier to get back to work for longer chunks of time because you know you can count on having more breaks.  Most of the stuff that happens on the break are things you will do anyway.   This work-reward cycle makes it possible to not feel guilty when you are off task!

Good luck on accomplishing your goals.  Shoot for more in your life!

I would love to hear how it goes.

A recent study in the March 2011 Journal of Health and Social Behavior found that women tend to feel more guilty about work behaviors at home than do men (such as taking phone calls, answering e-mail, etc), even though they were no less effective than men at juggling these responsibilities. “Guilt seems to play a pivotal role in distinguishing women’s work-family experiences from men’s,” says the lead investigator of the study and a graduate student in sociology at the University of Toronto.”  Women are taking on more work at work and continue to do the lion’s share at home, but struggle with our feelings of guilt.

How can we as women let go of this unnecessary guilt?  It doesn’t make us more productive and it definitely interferes with enjoying life outside of work; in fact, the guilt may more directly affect our family members than does our actual work!  If we are unhappy or negative, others in the family pick up on these emotions.  Moreover, we demonstrate confusing and conflicting values to our daughters: be successful, but don’t enjoy it, making it harder for our daughters to own their own ambitions and goals.

Perhaps we can transform the guilt into a positive emotion through recognizing the core of guilt as deriving from care and compassion, which is a strength of women.  If we can let go of unhealthy perfectionism and the thought that we are doing something wrong, perhaps we might recognize our uncomfortable emotion as one of concern for doing well at work while creating  rich family lives for ourselves, spouses, and children (instead of framing it as “guilt”).

In letting go of this guilt and perfectionism, perhaps we can establish routines and boundaries that derive from our values rather than from the notion that we have to be superwomen or supermoms.  For example, if having dinner together at night is an important value for your family as it is for mine, you can establish a plan that (all other things being equal and thus many if not most nights), you will sit down together at the main dining table and eat dinner.  This means that cell phones and TV are off and that whether you are eating sandwiches, pizza, a gourmet dinner, or the lasagna you froze last weekend. You and your family spend 20 minutes or so talking about the day, discussing what’s happening in the world, and generally laughing and connecting.  Perhaps on days where work creeps into family time, the kids can help more or dinner is a simpler affair. And if once in awhile, you have to take a call at dinner, so be it. Oh well.

Getting stuck in guilt (and its “cousin” perfectionism) saps us emotionally, which prevents us from being good role models to our daughters (and sons). It also interferes with our success at home and work.  Though the research above found no difference is men’s and women’s effectiveness in balancing work and family responsibilities, women’s guilt can take a toll on our mood, our health, and ultimately on our children.

This is what I have figured out so far (definitely, a work in progress).

1. I want to connect with those I love everyday, be it a hug, a shared activity, a phone call, or especially a conversation.  I make the effort to connect because love is the most important thing in life, without a doubt.  Today I called my in-laws in Florida when I was home making dinner just to say hi and check in.

2. Identify your core values (the things that have been part of you your whole life) and look for opportunities to express them every day.  One of mine is growth–I like to learn something new every day and try to learn from even my most challenging experiences. When I was young, I would often sit high in a tree and read my books; I still like to read, but from more ordinary spots like the couch!

3. Take care of your body.  I try to sleep when tired, eat when hungry, stop when full, eat real (non-processed) food, and to eat with others for at least one meal a day. I try to be active everyday even for a little while; we were meant to move.

4. Breathe, meditate, stop and smell the roses.  I try to take time daily even if it is just for a few minutes to do nothing, to notice what is, to be present in the moment.  As a person who tends to overdo, meditating daily, even for a short while deepens my appreciation for life.

5. Do something nice for someone else every day.  I challenge myself to look for opportunities, such as giving someone the parking spot I found first or offering to return someone’s grocery cart to the store.  These small Random Acts of Kindness have been found in research to truly trigger a chain reaction of positivity, the “pay it forward” concept.  It also helps me to feel happier.

6. Try to do something new everyday.  This stimulates the brain and helps to keep us vibrant.  Drive home a different way, taste a new food, listen to a new song.  Think about what you could do differently or brand new each day.

7. Do something for yourself every day, just for you, whether it’s reading your novel, watching a favorite TV show, going for a walk, or painting your toenails.  This is especially hard for parents, but is essential and good role-modeling for your kids.  Parents are people too.

8. Laugh often.  Read the comics, watch a funny show and try to see the lighter side. Laughing is so good for the brain, our heart, our mood.  Try to find the humor in daily life.

9. Admit mistakes, learn from them, and then move on (i.e., make different ones).  I figure we all make mistakes; I just don’t want to keep making the same ones over and over.

10. Acknowledge negative feelings such as sadness and anger.  Let them wash over you like waves on the ocean. Don’t cling to them or push them away, deny or vent them. I try to simply feel them and let them go.  They tell us what is important to us and we can use our emotions to spur us to constructive action and change.

11. (I couldn’t possibly end on #10)  Maintain your connection to something larger than your self, some sense of purpose in the world whatever that is for you.   When doing my coaching training and my daughter was 8, I asked her what her life purpose was.  Without missing a beat, she told me, “to leave the world a better place for my children’s children.”  I believe we all have a purpose in life and we have to figure out what that is and stay connected with it daily.

I will keep refining my non-bucket list, the list of things I try to do everyday to make my life worthwhile.  I encourage you to do the same.

(But it’s still fine to plan that safari!)

Create Your Best Life Everyday

Are you getting and giving your best everyday? Are you creating the life you really want? Most of us do not want to plod through daily life; we want a life that is fulfilling, where we dream big and accomplish our vision. Chris Allen is a psychologist who helps others live inspired, accomplished lives. When we live according to core values, develop strengths and acknowledge and correct weakness, we have the best chance to create a deeply satisfying and meaningful life. We also naturally transform those around us, creating a lasting and positive impact at home and also in the larger world.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
- Mary Oliver

What helps us take these moments in stride, to not fight fire with fire, to keep our cool even if only for our own sake? (And as I noted in a previous blog entry, scientists now think that we influence each other through our “mirror neurons” – the mechanism for emotional contagion).

From a business perspective, I think that companies need to provide a lot of support to their employees, to communicate to passengers or customers that they will not allow their employees to be mistreated and will reserve the right to call security or not serve a rude customer. Individually, members of a team need to support each other. Perhaps blowing off a little steam to a co-worker for some moral support and then also having the co-worker step in and deal with the rude or demanding customer are options.

Most important I believe is our own work to calm down our own over-reactive brain, particularly the amygdala. The amygdala is that part of the mid-brain in the limbic system that feels threatened when someone behaves rudely or aggressively. Through breathing, mindfulness, connection to core values (e.g., kindness, civility, integrity), we are able to curb a knee-jerk reaction, let our fantasies of revenge remain just fantasies. Cultivating mindfulness at work, home, or even the grocery store is also a habit that takes practice. The good news is that as with any habit, it becomes easier and more automatic the more we do it.

1. Don’t be isolated. Have at least one or two people in your life that you spend time with, talk to and socialize with.  Loneliness and social isolation is associated with a number of health and mental health problems.
2. Set minimum guidelines or standards for yourself for sleep, exercise, etc.  For example, make sure you get 8 hours of sleep 4 nights a week, even if you have to burn the midnight oil a few other nights (figure out where you can stick to these healthy behaviors).  Don’t get caught up in a prolonged cycle without adequate sleep or exercise.
3. Stay positive.  Focus on what is to celebrate in the moment, rather than on what’s wrong (there’s always something wrong, but we don’t have to make it our focus).
4. Find 5-10 minutes a day to practice mindfulness meditation (especially loving-kindness meditation). Research has demonstrated that even 70 minutes total of meditation a week significantly improves mood and health. (See Barbara Fredrickson’s website: www.positivity.com).
5. Identify your strengths (www.strengthsfinder.com or www.authentichappiness.com) and your core values (what you really care about and want your life to be for) and use the strengths and values everyday.  This gives even stressful life meaning and purpose and is protective of health and well-being.
6. Be present in your life.  Stay in the now.  You are more likely to experience “flow,” a process of genuine engagement in life that makes life more satisfying.  We are not in “flow” when we watch too much TV or space or veg out, for example. Or when we just focus on the to-do list…
7. Set limits on electronic communications, such times you will check e-mail and times you will not.

I find these behaviors astonishing…that some people are oblivious to the needs of people in class standing right beside them and others I suppose realize their predicament, but feel justified that they got there first…first come, first serve, I guess.

Obviously, the management of the gym could and perhaps should order more small weights. They could set a limit on the number of people that can take the class to ensure enough weights for all. Or the instructor could even to say to a very full class that people should take only one set of each size weight until we know that everyone has some. Management at the club should in fact train exercise instructors not just to teach the mechanics of the class enthusiastically, but train them on ways to make all members of the club feel valued, so that they retain members. This could also be an opportunity for individual instructors to show leadership, even if they have not been told by management how to handle this situation (we can each show leadership in our everyday lives…).

Last week, I saw one woman out of about 50 offer up a set of weights and her extra mat to someone next to her. In his classic book, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, numero uno on Robert Fulghum’s list is “Share everything.” In fact, behaviors that express kindness, fairness, compassion, empathy have been shown to play a role in our level of overall happiness and to even create happiness in others.

In a recent study, James Fowler, a political science professor from UC San Diego and Nicholas Christakis, a sociology professor from Harvard, found experimentally that the “pay it forward” idea is real: they found experimentally that cooperative behavior is contagious and that it spreads from person to person to person, even indirectly. When people benefit from kindness they “pay it forward” by helping others who were not originally involved, creating an unexpected ripple effect of cooperation that influences dozens more in a social network. Fowler himself said, “Personally it’s very exciting to learn that kindness spreads to people I don’t know or have never met. We have direct experience of giving and seeing people’s immediate reactions, but we don’t typically see how our generosity cascades through the social network to affect the lives of dozens or maybe hundreds of other people.”

I know that pure self-interest is common particularly in large crowds or behind the wheel when we are more anonymous, but it surprises me to see it among people who work out together every week. My wish is that we could truly see the people around us and their needs, when we are at an exercise class at the gym, in line at the grocery store, or even on the highway. It reminds me that I am sure there are ways that I too could be more mindful, pay more full attention to others, take only what I need, and remember to share. By the way, one of the last items on Robert Fulghum’s list is to remember the first word most of us learned in the Dick-and-Jane primers on reading: LOOK.

Researchers are finding that our social interactions even play a role in reshaping our brains through a concept called “neuroplasticity”; this means that repeated life experiences sculpt the shape, size, number, and configuration of neurons and their synaptic connections. Scientists have discovered that our key relationships mold our neural circuitry; in essence, whether we are chronically hurt and angered or emotionally nurtured in our relationships shapes the development and hardwiring of our brain, as well as our immune system and other systems of the body.

An Italian neuroscientist, Giacomo Rizzolatti, discovered “mirror neurons.” These neurons create similar feelings and experiences in us as we watch or listen to other people, or even other people on TV or in a movie. Our mirror neurons fire when we watch someone else, for instance, scratch their head or wipe away a tear, so that a portion of the pattern of neuronal firing in our brain mimics the part of the brain in the person doing the action. This maps the identical information from what we see onto our own motion neurons, letting us participate in the other person’s actions as if we were doing them. So mirror neurons are important in empathy and connection, they let us “feel” other people.

What interests me in particular is Goleman’s argument that this biological influence from person to person suggests new meanings for the life well lived: we can act in ways that are beneficial mentally and physically for others with whom we connect. When we think about the impact of positive versus negative social encounters on our own health and well-being and on other people, we begin to understand how important it is to act in ways that help create optimal emotional states in others, from those who are nearest and dearest to those we encounter casually. Although our 21st century problems are daunting, the new social neuroscience encourages us to remember that we are all wired to connect and we can continue to extend our empathy to one another despite our differences and to respond to one another with measured thoughtful responses, rather than knee-jerk reactions.

Creating Successful Leaders, Teams and Organizations

Are you getting and giving your best at work everyday? Is your team, department, or company as successful as it could be? Executive coaching is designed to facilitate positive change within organizations, teams, company leaders and individual employees, helping each to fulfill their true potential. Chris Allen is a psychologist, coach and trainer who excels at helping businesses and business leaders to translate vision into action and accomplishment.

“Excellence is not an accomplishment. It is a spirit, a never-ending process.”
- Lawrence M. Miller